“fighting february”

am i being led by my faith-
or my hope-
or my love-
or my fear-

am i being led by my fear?

i make decisions based on day to day-
live every day the same
cuz my past-
well-
my path is not clear-

and it's not right-
something's missing-
something's always missing-

twenty-nine days-
sometimes the shortest month
is the longest

i am sitting in a corner of my apartment-
typing-
the weather outside is cold
and so the weather inside is cold-
my heater close enough to keep me warm-

i don't know where you'll be when you read this
but hopefully
you will be warm-

 

hopefully-
it will not be
february

a bad month

i've been thinking lately
about the people i know

all of us-
holding on the best we can-
using whatever we can to get through it

it's just that we're tired

it's just that we're scared

it's just that we've been going through a long winter-
and we've all been listening to the same songs
and working the same jobs
and seeing the same people-
and even when they're good-

we're tired of being cold

everyone i know is fighting february-
and me

i'm listening to a doors record-
  (i used to hate classic rock)
a copy of waiting for the sun
found in a stack
left behind by an old roommate-
and to my ears-
it sounds good
i decided a long time ago
  (when i lived in that apartment
   with that old roommate)
that i was through with the physical
without commitment
and now
i have scratches
down my back-
red lines-
carved with nails-
a physical manifestation
of the way that
february
has marked me-
and her

 i guess
things are
changing

and-
u know-
i haven't got good words
these days-

i haven't got words
to explain why this all feels
significant-

i am just trying-
despite february-
because it's all i know how 2 do

and other words-
  (not mine)
don't do the job
much better-

 

i never meant 2 cause u any sorrow
i never meant 2 cause u any pain
i only wanted 1nce in my life 2 see u laughing

or-

i guess i shoulda known
by the way u parked your car sideways
that it wouldn't last

i stole the first
thirteen lines
of this poem
from a song
a friend wrote

i stole stanzas
from prince songs
and i referenced
classic rock
cuz i can't figure it out
for myself
at all

i am not used
to feeling this
way at twenty-
three

and maybe it's just
february
and maybe it's just
me-

 

and maybe it's about
girls
and maybe it's about
me-

and maybe it just comes from
being scared-
being lonely-
being broke-
being cold-
and maybe it just comes from
me-

twenty-seven
down-
two to go-
a leap year
i wish had skipped me-
entirely

it gets better
but there are two days
left
before it starts
if the problem is really
february-

if the problem
is me-
then finding a solution
can come
either much sooner
or much later-

and i don't believe
in anything
outside
myself