I arrived at Indianapolis International Airport (IND) at 7:25 this morning to begin an 8:20 journey to Austin-Bergstrom (AUS). The departing flight, which was due to arrive at Memphis at 8:45 (thanks to a timezone jump) was meant to bring me to a connecting flight that took off at 9:25. Which isn’t really enough time to make a connection, especially if there are any delays. Sure enough, my plane was delayed thirty minutes, which meant I had no hope of making the connection – and neither did countless other passengers who had to transfer in Memphis, which meant we were all stuck in a snaking, impossibly slow-moving line at the Delta ticket counter.

When I eventually managed to speak to a customer service representative, she booked me onto a flight to Dallas that was due to leave five minutes before I got to the counter, which meant that I ran from one terminal in the airport to the other, only to discover that there was no plane for me.

And then the lightning storm hit.

All told, I didn’t get out of Indy until 3pm, which was kind of a shock, as I really sorta expected that maybe I was going to spend the night there at that point.

I would recount these exploits further, but there’s no need. I already did it once. Via Twitter, I present my airport travelogue:

• Never ever ever let me fly Delta again.

• I now live at Indianapolis International Airport. Forward all mail to this address. Send nunchucks, Madden 10, and dancing girls.

• Update: Have fashioned a crude bed from items scavenged at IndyNews and TGIFriday’s. Baring my teeth at travelers invading my territory.

• They just paged James Brown to the courtesy phone. That rules. "Will the Godfather of Soul please dial 1111 at the white courtesy phone?"

• Update 2: James Brown actually some young-looking white dude. Does not appear soulful. Did have soul patch, however.

• Update 3: Have replaced makeshift bed with cabin made from books found in Borders and held together with TGIFriday’s cheese dip. I am king.

• Lightning just struck the runway. I will never leave here. This is like that Tom Hanks movie where he plays Balki and lives at the airport.

• Update 5: Airplane sent from Tennessee to fetch we weary travelers has landed. Applause broke out. It’s overbooked by 11. Expect fistfights.

• Update 6: Have recruited gang of feral children with sharpened teeth to ensure a spot aboard the plane. Fashioning iPhone into a shiv.

• Update 7: Through luck and cunning, have been awarded a boarding pass for coveted seat. Strictly focused on defense from here on out.

• Boarding momentarily. Have done this once today already. I’m hopeful, but not totally convinced my Indianapolis home is a thing of the past.

• Aboard plane to Dallas. Hah! I can’t imagine anything possibly going wrong now!

• I am in Dallas. Connecting flight missed, obviously. Person who works at this gate has clearly been kidnapped. May begin the long walk home.

• http://twitpic.com/cs9e0 WHERE ARE YOU AMERICAN AIRLINES PERSON WERE YOU KIDNAPPED????????!!?!?!???!

• Bill Clinton apparently successfully negotiated airline lady’s release. Am aboard plane that they promise will fly to Austin very soon.

• Am considering a drug habit. Recommendations? I hear good things about Oxycontin.

• Just remembered that my keys are in my office at work, which’ll be locked when I get there. Two buses till home. Anyone want to pick me up?

• On the ground in Austin. Now just the airport bus to downtown and a downtown bus home, and I will surely die of a heart attack on my porch.

• Drugs update: I’ve decided to take up huffing paint, due to the recession. Thanks for the suggestions, guys.

• And now I am home. And not dead. Strangely. Bring on the paint and airplane glue!