PETA’s Lettuce Lady has challenged Megan Webb, West Virginia’s Beef Queen, to a wrestling match. The winner receives $5,000 for the charity of her choice, and the loser has to eat a meal picked out by the winner, and watch a video. Which is pretty fair, really- the Lettuce Lady will have the more horrifying video, for sure, but her meal will be something appealing, I’m sure, if the point is to swing the Beef Queen to vegetarian. Which would be a huge coup, come on. It’s like Condi Rice half-endorsing Obama or when they get Christian Bale’s character at the end of Newsies to be a scab for Joe Pulitzer. If the Beef Queen (seriously, that’s her actual title) wins, though, then she can spitefully force giblets and pig livers down the Lettuce Lady’s throat while making her watch a Toby Keith video. Honestly, you have to think that the Lettuce Lady is pretty confident in the ring. Also, in case you were wondering, Ben Franklin (or his impersonators) have nothing to do with this, that was just the funniest picture of a Lettuce Lady I could find. It’d be awesome if Ben Franklin were the ref, though.

Also, this week in cyber-technology, they’ve engineered contact lenses that measure your eye for pressure, which is a huge deal for glaucoma sufferers and people prone to abnormal eye pressure. My wife’s got a heap of eye problems, and it’s fucking wild how much work is being done to treat this stuff. In addition to the contacts, the artificial retinas they developed last year have made another huge leap in technology- just a year ago, these things were only able to provide an 4×4 grid of light sensitivity, which is a huge deal if you’re completely blind, but still wouldn’t really allow you regain much practical functionality, and they required you to wear an external wired camera at all times. Today, the grid is 8×8, which means that instead of a 16-square box, you get 64, and it’s totally wireless, implanted directly in the eye. And it’s powered by your body’s own electricity, which is weird and amazing. Give it another few years, and it’ll probably be 256×256, and then, I dunno, a zillion by a zillion, and blind people will be able to see through walls. And then shoot lasers from their robot eyes. We will be conquered by the blind. The one-eyed man will run for cover. Who’s king now, motherfucker?

So, y’all probably read about Bernann McKinney, the woman who paid $50,000 to clone her beloved pit bull in South Korea. Which is a weird neat/creepy cocktail, but nothing to get excited about. But apparently the pit bull thing is the least weird and creepy thing about this woman. See that fresh-faced young man to your left? Thirty years ago, he was a Mormon missionary in Utah and McKinney was a former Miss Wyoming. They had a brief affair, over which he felt such extreme guilt that he picked up and moved to Surrey, a suburb of London, to start over. McKinney, unwilling to let the boy go, hired a private detective, who tracked him down to the UK. She arrived in England with a friend, who ambushed him outside of the Church of Latter Day Saints in Ewell, brandishing a mock-revolver, and forced him into a car. McKinney chloroformed him, drove him 200 miles out to a 17th century cottage, chained him to her bed with mink handcuffs, removed his kevlar Mormon underwear, and, er, repeatedly raped him. Which isn’t actually funny, but after three days, he promised to marry her, at which point she unchained him, he escaped, and went to the police. She was arrested and later released after she was found to be mentally ill, and fled the country disguised as, no shit, a deaf-mute mime. She was caught in Atlanta, where she had been masquerading as a nun, and arrested again. She went on to be released on bail, at which point she started posing topless for men’s magazines, since she had somehow become an international sex celebrity. That was pretty much the last anyone heard from her, minus a brief arrest that resulted in dropped charges after she was found once again in Salt Lake City, outside the airport at which the Mormon dude worked, with a pair of handcuffs and a length of rope. Until now, when she became the first batshit crazy pet owner to spend tens of thousands of dollars to have her beloved animal kinda-sorta recreated. If I were the guy in the picture, I would be fucking terrified of those dogs. Sadly, this story comes from what may be the most heavily-researched article The Daily Mail has ever run.