Regular readers of the site may know that I am three weeks in to a five-week clinical pharmaceutical research study. What this means is that from Monday to Wednesday, every week for five weeks, I take a train to a hospital in northwest London and stay as an inpatient, during which time I take a single small dose of an experimental arthritis medication (there’s more on this here and here). At the end of the five weeks, I receive a big check. I am a lab rat.

Anyway, the reason I’m telling you this is that I have a roommate for my Monday-Wednesday inpatient sessions. Actually, five roommates, as the rooms are gigantic. But you don’t need to know about most of them. They are normal young men, relatively speaking, interested in soccer and video games and things of that nature.

And then there’s the Dutch guy. He claimed to work in film, as a producer, and liked to talk about how successful he was. Which seemed weird to me, since he’s in a hospital three days a week taking drugs for money, but what the hell? Who’m I to judge, right?

He spends huge amounts of time on his cell phone while within the hospital walls, which is really aggravating, as there’s nowhere to go to get away from it. However, I recently learned that he does, in fact, work in film. I overheard him talking about some low-rent porno he was shooting. No, seriously. So he became what the CIA might call a person of interest to me. Just because, you know, how many pornographers have you met?

But there is more. After hours and hours of hearing him talk about his production company on his phone last time we were on the inside (“i need a new logo. i want an angel, but with devil horns and a devil stick (sic). can you send me something over? but with big tits. no, huge. and topless.”) I decided that I needed to know more about him. I looked over at his chart, learned his full name, and went for the Google.

Holy shit! Everything about this guy is creepy and amazing. Here are some facts about my Monday-Wednesday roommate.

1. He is available for photo shoots as a model. “Glamour and hardcore”.

2. He has been banned from Wikipedia for writing his own entry, complaining to the moderators who deleted it that FACEBOOK MYSPACE and YOUTUBE are so easy compared to this site, and generally failing to understand that it is not a profile site.

3. He appeared on an MTV UK reality show in which he attempted to win the opportunity to marry celebrity big brother star Jodie Marsh, but was disqualified from consideration after his appearance when the producers discovered that he had done gay-for-pay film work in the past.

4. If you google his name and continue on to page two of the links provided, you will discover the existence of a website called penisbot. (link omitted out of compassion)

5. He is available right now as an escort-courtier, for both gentlemen and ladies. 

Yes. This is the guy I spend three days a week hating for his inability to shut his fucking mouth. Apparently the best way to get him to do so is to pay him to put a stranger’s genitals over it.