Because I feel bad for the dozens of people a week who land at this site after searching for some variation of r kelly pees on girl, I’d like to offer something of actual use to people googling with a burning need for information. Welcome, North American expatriates new to the UK, yearning for Mexican food.

There isn’t any. Not anywhere. Not anywhere at all. Nowhere. Anyone who tells you that there is is either full of shit or has no idea what it is supposed to taste like. That includes the taco cart the Scottish guy in Camden Town runs (sorry, Scottish guy), the place in South London that rents space from a pub, the restaurant in Stoke Newington that serves Lonestar beer, that Wahaca place in Covent Garden that got such good reviews (side-hint: nothing in Covent Garden is authentic to any culture, but that isn’t the point of Covent Garden), the promising-looking Mexican cafe by the Angel tube stop, the one in Spitalfields Market… None of them are what you are looking for. I am very sorry.

This has been sort of a mission for me in my year as a Londoner, one that I finally abandoned with a return to Texas on the horizon. Some of these places serve food that tastes good, but it is not what you or I would ever describe as Mexican food. If you were served what they offer you in a restaurant in California or Texas, you would be very confused. Also, crucially, never even attempt a Tex-Mex place, which is England-ese for disgusting fucking food. They feature such traditional delicacies as "Mexican garlic bread", "Mexican wings", and lamb cutlets. Do not be tempted, or lured by curiosity.

If you want Mexican food, you have to cook it yourself.

The good news- it’s possible, occasionally, to get ingredients that are passable in the UK now. Just a few years ago, they opened a bunch of Taco Bells, and every single one of them closed within nine months. The English do not like spicy food, but there’s enough of a market for this stuff now that you can find the basics even at Tesco or Sainsbury’s.

The first challenge is the cheese. The English like strange cheese, and if you don’t know where to look, you’ll end up shredding mozzarella or mature cheddar for your tamales as a compromise. When we first moved here, we had to go to the big Whole Foods in Kensington to get even monterrey jack. Over the past couple months, though, this has changed- a big Sainsbury’s that has a full cheese counter will probably carry it now, especially if you’re in a more metropolitan part of the city (the ones in Angel, Camden Town, and Finchley Road all stock it; the Sainsbury’s off of Turnpike Lane does not). It’s fresh and better than the crumbly cheddar you’re liable to find most other places. Alternately, Morrison’s sells it pre-sliced, pre-packaged, and it’s passable. Avoid cheeses with suspicious names like mexicana that you may find- almost all of them are mozzarella/cheddar mixtures with bland peppers ground into them.

Tortillas are a bit easier. Now, you’re still better off just making them yourself, but if you’re lazy, you can get decent ones at the store.

Old El Paso brand ingredients are all over London now, probably even at your corner CostCutter, but do not use their tortillas. They’re rubbery, don’t heat well, and are usually stuck together in the package. You’re better off with what the bread section might call moroccan-style wraps, but the real winner here is the Discovery brand. Discovery is a label that brings a number of World Foods to the UK, which you can tell because their logo is a big map. They do a number of Mexican food items, some of which are pretty good- avoid the garlic and coriander (cilantro) tortillas, the creepy little taco trays, and the guacamole (which you will have to make yourself), but their flour tortillas are the best you’ll find, their taco shells are crispy and normal-tasting (as opposed to the Old El Paso brand, which taste like cornmeal-based rice cakes), and the enchilada sauce will save you a bunch of time. Also regarding taco shells, if you’re going that route, the ones from the Tesco brand are more or less okay, way better than Old El Paso, which must be avoided.

Beans are another challenge. You can get basic refried beans under the Old El Paso label most anywhere, or a spicier variety from Discovery, but if you were raised on black beans, you’re nearly out of luck. If you’re anywhere in the UK besides London, you’re completely out of luck, but Londoners have that giant Whole Foods in South Kensington, and a small handful of neighborhood Fresh & Wilds, which are sort of like Whole Foods off-licenses. The Fresh & Wilds take forever to re-stock and frequently sell out of black beans, but the full-fledged Whole Foods usually delivers. If you’re in the neighborhood, always stop in and pick up a couple cans. Seriously. I have done this for a full year.

If you want fajitas, you have to either go to a local butcher or a big Morrison’s- nowhere that doesn’t actually carve the cow themselves sells skirt steak. I don’t know what they do with it if they don’t sell it. It’s kind of a sore point. They probably give it to dogs, all right?

The upside here is that skirt steak is still real cheap, though you’ll have to trim it yourself. It’ll be on the shelf at Morrison’s, but you’ll have to ask the butcher about it. Make your own marinade- it’s not hard, and the pre-packaged ones- even Discovery- are gross (packaged taco seasoning is fine, though).

Go to Sainsbury’s for your avocados. Most places in the UK sell a low-fat variety of avocado that tastes nothing like what you’re used to, but Sainsbury’s (and I think Marks & Spencer) now carry hass avocados. Do not just look for squishier avocados at the off-license or the Tesco’s.

Finally, if there’s something you need desperately that you can’t find anywhere, there is now the Cool Chile Co, which has a stall at Borough Market on the weekends and which delivers throughout the UK. This is your only hope for certain items- like corn tortillas (Old El Paso has a product they market as corn tortillas, but they’re fucking liars), genuinely hot peppers, or black beans that haven’t been pre-soaked. If you’re going to the market stall, get there early- they tend to sell out of tortillas by early afternoon, as they’re the only game in town for everyone in London who wants this stuff. Also, they’ve got a restaurant now- do not bother. How many times do I have to tell you?

Okay. That is just about everything that I have learned in my quest for Mexican food in the UK. Good luck.