This is just something I sent to McSweeney’s last week. I put it together for fun one night, because I’m a nerd in very many ways.

A Barack Obama Vice-Presidential Vetting Team Memo Debating The Relative Merits Of The Characters On ‘Lost’ In The Event Of Their Selection To Serve As The Candidate’s Running Mate:

Jack Shepard
Pros: International celebrity as member of Oceanic Six sure to add to “rock star” aura of the Obama campaign, and executive experience as leader on the island would match-up favorably against John McCain.
Cons: Possibly an alcoholic. Personal life issues could prove a liability – ex-wife on Sunday morning news circuit would be PR disaster.

Kate Austin
Pros: Is young and pretty, like the candidate himself – a version of the Clinton/Gore “double-down” strategy? Female, which would reinforce the message of “change” that has worked thus far.
Cons: Was convicted of murder, which Fox News would continually remind Americans of. Also, lacks experience.

John Locke
Pros: Big with conservatives who find him a refreshing counterpoint to whiny liberals like Jack Shepard and Harry Reid, may help shore up swing voters. Can throw knives.
Cons: Island-worshiping tendencies likely to pose liability with Evangelicals. Previous failure in leadership role would probably become a campaign issue.

Sayid Jarrah
Pros: Foreign policy and military experience a big plus with security-minded voters. Controversial stance on torture may work as a plus to sway conservatives.
Cons: Two men with unusual names on the same ticket likely to alienate key constituencies. Constitutionality of serving as Vice-President in question due to foreign citizenship; could not serve as President in the event of an emergency. Iraqis also not particularly popular in Middle America.

Hugo “Hurley” Reyes
Pros: Multi-millionaire could help self-finance campaign. Might help shore up Latino demographic if Richardson unavailable? Talk to Patti about this.
Cons: Americans haven’t elected anyone that overweight to the executive branch since Taft. Also, may not be old enough to serve. Has been in and out of mental institutions – could be looking at another McGovern/Eagleton fiasco here. 

James “Sawyer” Ford
Pros: Charming and likable Southerner, could put several swing states in play if campaigning properly. Would likely destroy opposing VP nominee in debates with clever put-downs and nicknames – consider seriously if it’s Lieberman.
Cons: Criminal record and outspoken statements, sometimes veering into outright racism, could well ignite another Jeremiah Wright-style firestorm. May not be interested in serving even if asked – claims to have “never voted Democrat”.

Juliet Burke
Pros: Like a younger, prettier Hillary. Fertility doctor background would shore up the candidate’s pro-choice bona fides, a potential concern among female voters. Probable broader appeal than Sebelius, Miami native could possibly help deliver Florida?
Cons: Unmarried woman means intense scrutiny – expect rumor mill and push-polls to churn out “lesbian” whisper campaign almost immediately. Also, still not sure if she’s evil or not.

Benjamin Linus
Pros: Honestly, don’t see how we lose the election with him on the ticket – seems to have every possible contingency planned for in advance.
Cons: Creepy and unlikable. Does it fit our message to go with Cheney 2.0?