To wash the bad taste of the play we saw last night out of my mouth, I insisted tonight to Kat that we must go see the lord of the rings musical. For people whose main interest in theatre has been as a powerfully intimate storytelling medium, this is a radical departure. I’m happy to report that it’s a neat piece of spectacle theatre, with really breathtaking stage work- especially the ring-wraiths, Gollum, and the spider. Also, the stage itself is as charismatic as at least half the fellowship, given as it is to twisting and spinning and rising twenty feet high in parts. To sum it up in a single word, I thought it was neat.

Meanwhile, the last days of judas iscariot has put in my head another stage production detailing the events depicted in that play, and I’ve decided to re-cast jesus christ superstar for a new generation. It promises to make everyone involved very rich.

* Chris Cornell as Jesus Christ
* John Legend as Judas Iscariot
* Erykah Badu as Mary Magdalene
* Michael Stipe as Pontius Pilate
* Mark Lanegan as Caiaphas
* Greg Dulli as Annas
* Jack Black as King Herod
* Ben Folds as Peter
* Nick Cave as Simon Zealotes

Pretty nice, huh?

Chris Cornell as Jesus is an easy one. Sebastian Bach played the part a few years ago, and Cornell’s just about at the Sebastian Bach point in his career. He’s got the melodramatic pipes for it, and he could pull of a stunning version of “Gethsemane”. He recorded a version of the “Ave Maria” for one of those a very special christmas compilations in the 90’s, which featured alternative rock superstars doing your favorite Christmas hits, and he tore it up. And in the Soundgarden days, he could pull off the long hair/beard thing and not look like Charles Manson. There’s really no other choice for the part.

Judas is always played by a black dude, which is why I cast John Legend instead of myself for the part. Additionally, there’s perhaps an argument to be made that John Legend is a slightly more accomplished singer. Still, playing the role of Judas in a production of jesu christ superstar is one of those dreams in my life I’m coming to accept will go unrealized (see also: general manager for the Chicago Bears, US Senator from Texas). Listing John Legend here is actually a big step for me. He’d be a great choice, though- he can do the big dramatic stuff as well as Cornell can, but he doesn’t sound like he’s trying to swallow a burrito the size of his head when he’s doing the fast rock numbers (which, incidentally, is part of why Audioslave was so bad). Since Judas is effectively the lead, you need the most versatile singer in the part, and that’s definitely John Legend.

I didn’t know who to cast as Mary Magdalene, but Kat does a really impressive Erykah Badu impression and sang “Everything’s All Right” once in her voice, and it was really impressive. She comes from a theatre background, too, and so she surely loves jesus christ superstar (everyone who does loves it), so she would obviously be eager to participate. Have her people call me.

Michael Stipe as Pilate was a tough one. It’s hard to hear some of Pilate’s lines in most people’s voices, because he’s so deadpan and punctual with his delivery- like the exchanges in the trial, which wouldn’t work if, say, Nick Cave were doing the part. But Michael Stipe would be able to pull of thirty-nine lashes without hamming it up, and so he’s really the only person I could think of for Pilate.

Lanegan and Dulli as Caiaphas and Annas is kinda obvious, if you’re me, but what the hell? Caiaphas is always played by a guy with the deepest, growliest voice, and short of Scott Kelly or Steve Von Till from Neurosis, that’s Lanegan. He and Dulli take on basically the same roles, in a relative manner, as Annas and Caiaphas on the Gutter Twins record, so it makes sense to keep that chemistry together.

Meanwhile, casting Jack Black as King Herod is perfect, and you wish you’d thought of it.

Finally, Ben Folds as Peter is kinda a throwaway, because Peter only has two half-songs; the response verses on “Peter’s Denial” and then, if you’re doing the movie soundtrack, the second verse of “Could We Start Again Please”. But I like how imperfect and off-key Ben Folds is when singing, and I think that’d be a cool way to play Peter. Especially if he’s dueting with Erykah Badu. Nick Cave, on the other hand, basically did a double-album where he tried out a dozen different interpretations of jesus i am with you / touch me touch me jesus / jesus i am on your side / kiss me kiss me jesus, and he’d really tear the shit out of the part of Simon.

And there you have it. If there were ever any doubt that I’m a total fucking nerd, I hope it’s been erased.